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It’s been a week of reunions and reunion rumours, but one story seems to be a dead cert - the return of the Spice Girls. Apparently the formerly fab five have done the press conference thing and launched a new era of darkness upon an unsuspecting world.

OK, maybe that was a bit melodramatic. But seriously, does the world need a Spice Girls reunion? Can the ‘girls’ carry off a reunion and bring back those heady Girl Power days? Let’s look at the line-up:

• Geri Halliwell - Gone is the brassy Brit-tart image. Even her hair isn’t as Ginger as it used to be. I don’t think she’s even George Michael’s fag-hag anymore. Currently looks like she’s trying to play the yummy mummy role.
• Emma Bunton - The ever-likeable Baby Spice is currently knocked up. So Baby will have a baby by the time the concert comes around. Ah well, at least the pay check will keep her away from reality TV shows for a little while longer.
• Victoria Beckham - The skeletal she-witch they call Posh apparently doesn’t need the money, but sure it’ll give her something to do while David’s away earning the real money. Rumour has it she’s already begun an intensive point-and-pout programme for the tour.
• Mel B - Fresh from knocking out Eddie Murphy’s latest sprog (and proving paternity - in your face, Donkey Eddie), Mel’s looking healthily plump. I read a magazine article about how she and Eddie are soulmates and she still loves him. The old Scary Spice would’ve ripped his gonads off and posted them to the DNA testing center. She must be stoned or something.
• Mel C - The ’serious artist’ of the group, Miss Chisholm has been the spanner in any potential reunion to date. Until now. You’ve gotta wonder, how much money did it take to coax her back into her shell-suit?

Unlike other classic acts, the Spice Girls only really had a handful of good singles. There’s simply not enough material to fill a decent concert, even with the odd solo tune thrown in for good measure.

Let’s face it, the mass appeal of the Spice Girls was their brash, in-your-face attitudes. They’ve all mellowed over the years (especially Posh, who’s mellowed into a kind of animated cadaver), and that Girl Power thing just isn’t there anymore. They could fake it, but I somehow doubt we’ll be convinced.

The truth is, it’s all about the money. Ticket sales and a little boost for their solo careers after the buzz dies down again.

On the upside, I can resume my decade-long crush on Mel B. Long live Scary!