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It’s a little known fact that the Jackson Five reunited onstage at a concert in Madison Square Garden to celebrate Michael’s 30th Anniversary as a solo artist. You all know the consequences - Al Quaeda responded by blowing up the World Trade Center the very next day.

Obviously, the wild Middle East takes the matter of disco-pop reunions very seriously. As a representative of the free world, I urged the Jacksons to reconsider this reunion. However, as the reunion bandwagon rolls on, it seems the Jackson Five want their fair share…

Jermaine Jackson - who wowed us all in Celebrity Big Brother last year - said in an unconvincing soundbyte: “We feel we have to do it one more time. We owe that to the fans and to the public.”

I ran this soundbyte through our state of the art deBullshitifier machine and the statement sounds like “We feel the public owes us a small fortune in ticket sales, merchandise and possibly a Greatest Hits compilation. We’d like to milk whatever goodwill the Jackson name still carries before Michael pisses the rest of it away.”

Their misguided plan is to take ol’ Michael on tour with them. Which actually makes the Jackson Five a six piece. Hmmm.

Either way music fans, the outlook is not good. Either we’ll be blown to smithereens or the Jacksons will be all over our TV screens. I can tell you on good authority that the only place on earth that you’ll be safe from this reunion is - ironically - in a mountain cave in northern Afghanistan.