My dislike of Keane is well documented on this blog. I don’t know why I don’t like ‘em, but like Paul McCartney I have an irrational disliking of them.

But alright, they’ve changed their musical direction lately, so I figure – why not draw a line and try to listen to them with fresh ears?

In all honesty, I like what they’ve done with the styling around this latest album (Perfect Symmetry is the title track, by the way).

Alright, the heavy piano influence still remains, but something is imperceptibly different. “Maybe you feel it too?” Typically for Keane, it’s got that big, overproduced, stadium sound.

Perfect Symmetry seems to have some sort of big important question underneath all the glossy production. Is that it? Are Keane losing me because their message is obscured by the rather unpalatable music? I had kind of hoped that their change in direction would have helped me to connect to them. Alas, no.

In response to Tim Rice-Krispie’s lyric:”Maybe you feel it too?” No, I still don’t feel it. Maybe I’m not the only one.

Someone needs to give Mariah Carey lessons in sexy. I was but a lad in 1990 when Mariah first hit the scene and quickly became the biggest diva in the world. There was no-one else quite like her.

Then, when her marriage (of convenience) to record label boss Tommy Motola (filthy control freak) went sour, she decided to have a bit of a raunchy makeover. However, Mariah crossed the line to the point where her music serves to showcase her boobies instead of her phenomenal vocal range.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s very attractive and yes, I found those curves pleasing. But a video where a computer geek comes round to fix her wifi, then engages in all sorts of phallic scenes – I mean, walking a unicorn down a beach? Come on, Mariah, stop being so damned slutty!

The fact of the matter is, Touch My Body is a bland R&B backing track for Mariah to writhe about to in her video. The reason I mentioned 1990-era Mariah is that she was on top of her game in those days. When you consider how utterly forgettable this track is compared to her classic material, and the fact that she has to resort to whoring herself out on video to sell records, you realise how far the mighty have fallen.

I wouldn’t care if I never saw Mariah falling out of her top again if she’d just release a decent song for once. Touch My Body isn’t it. Godawful.

After the relative pop success that was 1973, James Bland er, Blunt is back to his usual form. That is, caterwauling empty lyrics over a nice acoustic backing.

The problem is rarely with the music, it’s the tone of Blunt’s voice, the mundanity of these songs. They almost all seem to blend into one big lovelorn symphony. And from the moment a James Blunt song begins to the moment it ends, you find yourself wishing you were deaf for the duration.

The fact of the matter is, if you release this type of music too often, the meaning of the song is lost. You spend more time trying to work out what other James Blunt song it sounds like instead of enjoying it.

In the fantasy music industry that exists in my head, the clock is already ticking on James Blunt’s career. He’s got the talent, he just refuses to use it to write decent songs. Thumbs down.

Ah, the ‘Jovi, they used to rock. But since 1992, each successive album has seen their hard rockin’ style watered away. 2007 sees us with either a more mature sounding group or an American country pub band.

If you didn’t know it was Bon Jovi, the Lost Highway single is a passable enough song. Radio-friendly, inoffensive, but ultimately forgettable.

And that’s the problem – this band seems to have jettisoned their original audience. Even the video’s an admission of Bon Jovi’s relegation to pub rock status. The next video will no doubt feature them playing in a barn. And Jon seems to have missed a memo that waistcoats aren’t cool anymore.

In my last post, I celebrated Bon Jovi’s legacy of creating great music. It’s to my constant disappointment that they’ve failed to keep the (faith?) flame alive and continue writing anthemic rock tunes. When you consider the shelf life of those early iconic songs and the mediocrity enshrined in Lost Highway, you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

Bon Jovi are on a Slippery slope with this one. (See what I did there?)

[tags]Bon Jovi, Singles, 2007, Thumbs Down[/tags]

We just heard your new single Tattoo, and thought we’d drop you a line. We’re a bit concerned, you see.

As big fans of TV talent shows like American Idol, we’re aware of some of the heinous crimes against music that have been committed by former reality show contestants.

Tattoo is your first proper single release since you won American Idol. No offense, but it’s as bland a number as we’ve ever heard. Your producers aren’t even playing it safe with this song, they’re playing it suicidal. Bland doesn’t even cover how dull this song is.

You’d think that with a nation- and arguably world-wide audience awaiting this single, the record execs would have raised the bar and given you something special to start your career with.

When your record company allows you to release something as generic and uninteresting as this, you know that you’re part of the small picture. Famous until the next season of American Idol gets going and the audience forgets you.

It’s easy to let other people make the decisions when you’re young and star-struck. Hell, you probably think you’re just lucky to be where you are today – why rock the boat, right?

Well, you should rock the boat now, Jordin. Get some artistic control. Get some better songs. Release something memorable. Or else your music career will be consigned to bargain bins around the country before it’s even properly begun. No-one wants to see another reality show casuality. Least of all us.

All the best

The Unreality TV Team

(Update: Tattoo was confirmed as the worst selling debut single from an American Idol contestant)