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Someone needs to give Mariah Carey lessons in sexy. I was but a lad in 1990 when Mariah first hit the scene and quickly became the biggest diva in the world. There was no-one else quite like her.

Then, when her marriage (of convenience) to record label boss Tommy Motola (filthy control freak) went sour, she decided to have a bit of a raunchy makeover. However, Mariah crossed the line to the point where her music serves to showcase her boobies instead of her phenomenal vocal range.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s very attractive and yes, I found those curves pleasing. But a video where a computer geek comes round to fix her wifi, then engages in all sorts of phallic scenes - I mean, walking a unicorn down a beach? Come on, Mariah, stop being so damned slutty!

The fact of the matter is, Touch My Body is a bland R&B backing track for Mariah to writhe about to in her video. The reason I mentioned 1990-era Mariah is that she was on top of her game in those days. When you consider how utterly forgettable this track is compared to her classic material, and the fact that she has to resort to whoring herself out on video to sell records, you realise how far the mighty have fallen.

I wouldn’t care if I never saw Mariah falling out of her top again if she’d just release a decent song for once. Touch My Body isn’t it. Godawful.