Miss Janet Jackson provides the belly laughs this morning as she claims responsibility for thousands of babies via the power of her music.

“You don’t know how many people come up to me and say, ‘This child was conceived listening to you.’” she says, preposterously. This is from a woman who looks like a drag version of Michael Jackson. And the thought of MJ with boobs does not make me want to go out and procreate, no matter how sultry the song might be.

Oh, hold on. Let’s do the new release checklist:

• New single or album coming out? Check.
• Been out of the limelight for a while? Check.
• Need a quick tabloid fix to remind the public you’re still alive? Double check.
• Answer: Make a ludicrous claim about your music being a catalyst for a baby boom and watch the red tops eat it up.

I see a problem: if Jackson’s music has been responsible for a mini baby boom, then her carbon footprint is freakin’ huge from all those new people she’s put on the Earth. I think we should petition her to stop releasing her music for the good of the environment.

On a related note: Maybe I’m missing something, but are there any good Janet Jackson songs to have sex to? I normally do it to Sepultura. Any suggestions for good lovemakin’ music in the comments, please!