Lily Allen is a master (or is that mistress) in the art of misdirection – while we’re all scratching our heads at her new country-music inspired song, Not Fair, Lily is singing sweetly about “spending ages giving head” which conveniently rhymes with “lying in the wet patch on the bed”.

While those lyrics put her in the running for “Perfect Woman” material, the hoedown video weirds me out completely. I think they almost did a little too good a job of transforming Lily into a country star from yesteryear, didn’t they?

As far as the single goes, it’s passable fare, but more of  a novelty record than something that stands alongside Lily’s other songs.

I enjoyed The Fear, but I have a deep-seated loathing of this kind of kitsch countrified music that it turns me off. It’s not you Lily, it’s me. Honest.

Anyway, apparently the video for Lovegame is causing palpitations among the guardians of public decency that are the censorship bodies. Well, GaGa has stepped things up a notch – she’s gone from ‘I’ll get him hard, show him what I’ve got’ in Poker Face to essentially wanting to ride his disco stick. Well, it’d be a shame to waste it, wouldn’t it?

In fairness, sometimes I think Lady GaGa boils down to essentially blonde hair and prominent lycra gusset. Which is what Madonna was a few years ago. I’m not sure the look works for either – GaGa has a shop mannequin look that’s sometimes hard to find sexy.

I published my interview with X Factor finalist Eoghan Quigg yesterday, at the same time as the folks at PopJustice were commenting on Twitter about the quality of the album.

Now, I received my copy at the same time as they got their review copy. Up until this point, I’d maintained a stoic silence after being Eoghan’s harshest critic throughout the X Factor. At that time, I said that Simon Cowell stood to make more money from phone votes for Eoghan Quigg that he ever would in record sales.

Anyway, PopJustice released their review of the album yesterday, and it has perhaps the most perfect analysis of the song selection and production values:

Imagine the three worst reality pop albums you have ever heard. Let’s pick the Michelle McManus album, the David Sneddon album and the Journey South album. Imagine the combined badness of all those albums, then somehow imagine that ALL personality has been sucked out out. Then imagine that they kept on sucking, long after there all personality was gone, until there was a sort of personality prolapse. You are still only half way to understanding just how empty these recordings are.

Now, Unreality TV has received some criticism in our time about being so scathing about reality TV contestants. But when the quality is this poor, you can’t help but unleash the snark.

Seriously though, this kid won 6 of the X Factor live shows. He was probably the most popular contestant in 2008 until Simon Cowell starting heaping praise on Alexandra Burke. And what do you do when you’ve got a teenage boy who could sell records to hordes of baying teenage girls? You don’t give him an album that’s 50% covers, 50% Busted-style rubbish. You don’t give him a single that indirectly insults the social media sites that his peer group use on a daily basis.

Instead of heaping insults on this teenager’s first (and clearly last) foray into the music industry, let’s ask the idiots who’re managing Eoghan what the hell they think they’re playing at. First to market out of all the X Factor contestants means nothing if you release utter rubbish. Some questions for the brainiacs who’ve engineered Eoghan Quigg’s musical death:

1. Who are you selling to here – mothers or their teenie daughters? Because covering an ABBA song is a credibility FAIL for Eoghan.
2. Why does the single sound like it could have been sung by Victor Meldrew lamenting all this modern technology kids today use? When you cancel his record deal, will you dump him by YouTube, Facebook, MySpace or IM?
3. Is this a sneaky attempt at career sabotage? Come on, be honest, were you seriously expecting a shot at a second album after releasing this garbage?
4. Why, given 5 years of X Factor experience – in which time other former contestants released shitty cover albums, and died a commercial death – did you rush-release such a weak product?

In all seriousness, I haven’t read a single positive review for either the single or the album. And I can’t in good conscience blame Eoghan for this mess. I actually heard that Eoghan’s father expressed concern about 28,000 Friends, but was talked around by record execs.

This is the kind of consistent failure that TV talent shows have been pumping out for years now. As I say above, the management behind music like this has had ample opportunity to refine their approach to giving X Factor runners-up a record deal and making a success of it.

My feeling at this point in time is that the record deal is in order to milk whatever audience these people still have before it evaporates completely. Because I can’t see one shred of strategy or artist development in Eoghan’s career to date. There’s no plan for a follow-up album, because this time next year, they’ll have moved on to the next set of runners-up and Quigg, Lorenzo, Vickers and the rest will be long forgotten.

Music blog regulars will know that the Pussycat Dolls have thoroughly redeemed themselves with the (deluxe) Doll Domination album. Jai Ho conveniently repackages the end song from Slumdog Millionaire, giving Miss Scherzinger lead vocals and a background role for the composer, A R Rahman.

Jai Ho alternates between dramatic ethnic verses and uplifting pop choruses. Sure, they go a little overboard with the autotune sometimes (autotune is the modern equivalent of helium, isn’t it?).

My inclination is to crown this the best single the Pussycat Dolls have ever released, actually. The music is amazing. There are overtones of Beyonce and Shakira on Beautiful Liar, but ten times better. The video features the girls looking stunning and doing a fun Bollywood style dance routine. Don’t they look like they’re all having great fun?

The brief appearance by Mr Rahman in his suit kind of reminds me of those two guys from the Macarena video (a zillion years ago)!

Verdict? Massive hit. The most sublime, uplifting song I’ve heard in the pop chart in a long time. I’ve found myself transfixed by the video (especially the Doll in the blue denim shorts – who is she?), and wondering why we can’t get more ethnic music mixed into modern pop. Surely the last time was Holly Valance with Kiss Kiss?

Potential mixes: Swap the Jai Ho out of the chorus and mix in Enrique Iglesias’ Bailamos. Alternatively, I can see a spot for Kung-Fu Fighting in these somewhere.

Slightly worrying? I notice that the single cover says “Pussycat Dolls feat Nicole Scherzinger” – does that mean she’s going to be off on her solo trip again? Surely the massive resurgence of the Pussycat Dolls after her rather limp solo career should have taught her something. They’re stronger when they’re together. Seriously Nicole – don’t do it!

It’s clearly a slow news day in Celeb-land, as The Sun and The Mirror both regurgitate Robbie Williams quotes from his visit to We Will Rock You the other night.

The Mirror reckon Robbie said he was definitely going to rejoin Take That (a dull rumour that’s been doing the rounds every month since 2005). However, while The Sun’s report agrees with this, it also says that he was dashing back to the studio to record with Mark Ronson.

Now, let’s imagine that you’ve been asked the same question for four years: “Any chance of you rejoining Take That, Rob?” Why not just nod your head and go along with it? “Yeah, yeah. Even though I’m clearly recording a solo album, I’d love nothing more than to hook up with Take That again.”

Don’t you think that he might want to wait and see how well his new album does before committing himself to Take That?

Anyway, with Mark Ronson’s brand of music hitting the overexposure point, will his ‘magic touch’ be effective in rejuvenating Robbie’s career? I don’t think so. His collaboration with the Kaiser Chiefs has sent that particular band packing with a poor-selling third album.

To be honest, I’ve kind of got used to Take That without him and I’m not exactly missing his presence in the charts. But I still have a soft spot for Robbie, and he does have to make a living. Maybe we should have a whip-round, spare him from helping tarmac roads in China again?

There’s an interesting comment by Justin Timberlake on the EW blog where he says he’s not interesting in making new music right now. It’s quite an interesting piece, because JT is clearly not going to pump out albums just because there’s a record company expectation. Or even fan expectation for that matter.

By the sounds of this quote, it’s all about motivation: he doesn’t have any.

Right now, I like the idea that things can just kind of pop up and if they feel right I can do them. Committing to my own sort of project, that’s like, ‘Okay, let me block out two years of my life and do it.’ I was heavily fulfilled with the last one and I always have this thing with myself that if I can’t sleep because I need to do it, then I’m gonna do it. But if I’m not losing sleep over it then…

So, expect to see Timberlake piggybacking on singles by every major hip-hop and R&B star for the foreseeable future. And of course anything by Timbaland.

And just because JT hangs out with all these hip-hoppers, doesn’t mean that’s the only kind of music he listens to: he namechecks Kings Of Leon, Radiohead and The Black Keys’ Attack & Release album (which is an absolute classic).

I wonder if that means he’ll broaden his horizons to do a bit of rock screaming in the future? Who knows, but he’s gone up in my estimation for having some good taste!

If I could fix [Lady GaGa] up with anybody else in the charts right now, Brandon from The Killers has compatibly strange dress sense – could you imagine their combined walk-in wardrobe? Wow.

And whaddaya know, the two of them performed at last night’s Brit Awards honouring pop octogenarians the Pet Shop Boys. Their shared love of wacky stagewear and synthesised keyboard-music brought them together after all.

Now, let’s keep our fingers crossed for a little lycra-clad baby (Lady Flowers?) with feather covered shoulder pads. You read it here first!

Oops. I fell asleep last night and missed the Brit Awards ceremony. If, like me, you missed it and were reading the papers this morning, you’d be forgiven for thinking that the big news of the evening was Katy Perry vomiting backstage. Was she wasted? No, just slightly overworked and under the weather, as she explained:

I’m so sick right now, but they said I should show up because something special might happen. Thank you to everyone at my record label. I work pretty hard because I want to die right now.

The big winners at last night’s Brits were Duffy (mopping up three awards) and Kings Of Leon winning the International Group and Album categories.

Full list of winners and nominees after the jump.

British Male Solo Artist – Paul Weller

Other nominees: Ian Brown, James Morrison, The Streets, Will Young

British Female Solo Artist – Duffy

Other nominees: Adele, Beth Rowley, Estelle, M.I.A.

British Group – Elbow

Other nominees: Coldplay, Girls Aloud, Radiohead, Take That

British Single – Girls Aloud – The Promise

Other nominees: Coldplay – Viva La Vida, Duffy – Mercy, Leona Lewis – Better In Time, Scouting For Girls – Heartbeat.

Seriously? Scouting For Shit got nominated for a Brit Award – reason right there to doubt the integrity of the awards! Good Lord.

British Album – Duffy – Rockferry

Other nominees: Coldplay – Viva La Vida, Elbow – The Seldom Seen Kid, Radiohead – In Rainbows, Ting Tings – We Started Nothing

British Live Act – Iron Maiden

Other nominees: Coldplay, Elbow, Scouting For Girls, The Verve

International Male Solo Artist – Kanye West

Other nominees: Beck, Neil Diamond, Jay-Z, Seasick Steve

International Female Solo Artist – Katy Perry

Other nominees: Beyonce Knowles, Gabriella Cilmi, Pink, Santogold

International Group – Kings Of Leon

Other nominees: AC/DC, Fleet Foxes, The Killers, MGMT

International Album – Kings Of Leon – Only By The Night

Other nominees: AC/DC – Black Ice, Fleet Foxes – Fleet Foxes, The Killers – Day And Age, MGMT – Oracular Spectacular

Critics Choice Award – Florence and the Machine

Outstanding Contribution to Music – Pet Shop Boys

Following up her hot debut single, Lady Gaga gives us Poker Face. If the song’s lyrics weren’t so damned smutty, I’d be rolling jokes about ‘poke her face’ right now. But she’s taken all the fun out of mocking the title. Damn you, Gaga!

A bit like Just Dance, this one took a little while to grow on me. The gurgling synth sounds are fast becoming a Lady Gaga trademark along with an addiction to lycra that would make Madonna blush.

But where Just Dance was about a slightly hedonistic ‘off yer face but having fun’ lifestyle, Poker Face is a thinly veiled tune about sex. Not about playing cards, although advertising opportunities with gambling websites should no doubt arise from this. Or with Facebook, if she plays the ‘poke her face’ angle.

The lyrics are pure, brilliant, filth: “I wanna roll with him, a hard pair we will be,” and “I’m bluffin’ with my muffin” being among the highlights.

The video’s a freaky piece of work, with GaGa playing her taste in tight-fitting apparel and oddball eye-wear to serious extremes. In some shots, she’s cute as a button, in others scary as hell. If I could fix her up with anybody else in the charts right now, Brandon from The Killers has compatibly strange dress sense – could you imagine their combined walk-in wardrobe? Wow.

Overall though, the effect is great. The song has an anthemic quality, alternating between a growly, distorted verse and an irresistible chorus. While every tabloid editor is focussed on GaGa’s big pants, they should maybe focus on the music for a wee while. This is good stuff.

Scoring the Comic Relief single this year is a major coup for The Saturdays. Their choice of Depeche Mode’s Just Can’t Get Enough particularly inspired, reminiscent of when Girls Aloud recycled Jump for the Love Actually soundtrack.

The Sun lauded this for being the sexiest video yet for The Saturdays, but as a red-blooded expert on all things sexy, I disagree. It’s about as sexy as Christina Aguilera back in that Lady Marmalade video – i.e. not at all. Gawd, give me Dawn French dressed up as Mel B any day!

And are we still having trouble getting the public to know (or care) what the girls’ names are?

Anyway, I can virtually hear you screaming at me to stop bellyaching. So, what of the single? Not nearly as good as Up or Issues, but you’ve got to release a cover version for Comic Relief so that all the geriatrics from the 80’s will go out and buy it in a fit of charity-based nostalgia.

Therefore, I declare it a hit. Although musically a bit of a backward step for The Saturdays if you ask me (which, by visiting this blog, you did).

Now, basque (geddit?) in the 50’s pin-up style video…